Today's Staffchat, in addition to being super late, is an unusual one: Ethan and Ian (for the most part) were the only staff members available. But, we know you need fresh, piping hot Earhole #content, so we're presenting the first of what we're terming a #SOLOBROLO.
We talked about what are, in our minds, the most overlooked awful rap lyrics in history. We also went on a bunch of tangents.
importer [9:00 PM]
squints [9:00 PM] sup homie
importer [9:01 PM] nada man, writing an article per ugge
importer [9:01 PM] question: how you you write "usual" in shorthand? im gonna go with ugge
squints [9:01 PM] i've been wondering that for years. same thing with "casual"
squints [9:02 PM] smh at english for not having soft j's
importer [9:02 PM] is it like "bougie" for "bourgiouis"?
squints [9:02 PM] precisely
importer [9:03 PM] casge and ugge sound great then
squints [9:05 PM] caʒ and uʒ if we're using phonetic characters
squints [9:08 PM] so anyway, for you readers, this is a special staffchat
squints [9:08 PM] not only are we doing it WAY late, but ian and i are the only staff available
squints [9:08 PM] so welcome to the first edition of SOLO BROLO
importer [9:08 PM] #SOLOBROLO
importer [9:09 PM] The hashtag that will storm the nation
squints [9:09 PM] indeed
squints [9:09 PM] so one of the things we talked about on last week's #LITERALSTAFFCHAT was the idea of at any time in rap, there's a "best rapper"
squints [9:10 PM] case in point, circa 2007 lil wayne or (in our opinions) modern day kendrick
squints [9:11 PM] we had the idea of discussing "current worst rapper" but rather than washing a perfectly good #SOLOBROLO on ilovemakonnen, we're instead going to talk about what (in our opinions) are the worst rap lyrics of all time (edited)
importer [9:12 PM] there's lot of ways we can go about doing this: calling out our favorite rappers worst lines, our least favorite rappers worst lines, etc
squints [9:12 PM] Hell, even times our favorite rappers let us down
importer [9:12 PM] we will be limiting this convo to known rappers because struggle rappers have it tough as it is
importer [9:13 PM] sorry, Blazen Hazen
importer [9:13 PM]
squints [9:13 PM]
That's fair, but be warned that some of the stuff I have prepared is fairly old
importer [9:14 PM] rap's been around for awhile, we wouldnt be doing it justice if we didnt make fun of the old stuff, too
squints [9:15 PM] Perfect example: one of the songs for this week's 90s NY Fresh Pot was "Da Graveyard" by Big L
squints [9:15 PM] And (aside from a super young Jay Z) a whole slew of rappers who didn't quite stand the test of time
squints [9:17 PM] One of these MCs was a guy named Microphone Nut, who drops (in my opinion) the whackest line of all time
squints [9:17 PM] "And if my brain was a deck of cards I'd be missing a whole deck"
importer [9:17 PM] hahah
squints [9:18 PM]
importer [9:18 PM]
Didn't have high hopes for him with that name
squints [9:18 PM] haha let's talk about that for a sec
squints [9:19 PM] that line aside, it's not a terrible verse. nothing game-changing, but solid. could have been remembered in the pantheon of 90s NY rap. but can you imagine that name?
squints [9:19 PM] like imagine he'd been the greatest MC of all time, and when people were having the GOAT debate, it would be "tupac, biggie, nas, andre 3000 and...microphone nut"
squints [9:19 PM] that is HILARIOUS
importer [9:20 PM] "I need to find a way to convey my craziness on the mic while also losing credibility"- microphone nut, probably
squints [9:21 PM] this is the only thing i can picture:
SOURCE: Plants Vs Zombies
importer [9:21 PM]
squints [9:21 PM] shouts to plants vs zombies
squints [9:21 PM] but let's talk about why that's such a bad line, before we move on
squints [9:22 PM] it displays such a fundamental lack of understanding about how analogies work. if you're missing a whole deck, your brain isn't a deck of cards. it can't be
squints [9:22 PM] i don't want to drop too much ontology here, but if something IS, that means it can't not BE
squints [9:23 PM] you can apply that logic (or lack thereof) in some really shitty ways. "if my heart was a bouquet of flowers, i wouldn't have any flowers"
importer [9:23 PM] LOGICAL FALLACY, MICROPHONE NUT
importer [9:23 PM] I initially wrote "Logical Phallacy", which would be THE greatest porno name ever.
squints [9:23 PM] hahaha
importer [9:24 PM] oh man
importer [9:24 PM] not my best
squints [9:25 PM] "growing up i had no hopes, thinking nothing would ever come/ my dreams were a pack of gum, but i didn't have no gum"
squints [9:25 PM] "spit that super sonic when i be dropping phonics/ my logic is ironic because i don't have any logic"
squints [9:25 PM] anyway
importer [9:26 PM] I feel like something from "Rapper's Delight" by the Sugarhill Gang has to make it onto this Solo Brolo
squints [9:27 PM] i feel like you can't shit on that song too much because it was the historical genesis of rap. it'd be like shitting on dodos for being bad flightless birds
squints [9:27 PM] that said: yes.
importer [9:27 PM] History lesson: this is the first crossover rap hit.
importer [9:28 PM] Fun fact: I may know the first 3 verses by heart
squints [9:28 PM] most people do, or at least should
squints [9:28 PM] that said, what's the worst line from it?
importer [9:29 PM] I have two:
importer [9:29 PM] "Have you ever went over a friends house to eat And the food just ain't no good?
The macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed,
And the chicken tastes like wood"
squints [9:30 PM] (also, i'd like to see the history of using "purple" as a skin color you wouldn't have a problem with when you're describing yourself as non-racist, because that's a serious thing and i can't think of an earlier example)
squints [9:30 PM] holy shit yes
squints [9:30 PM] let's talk about that for a bit. serious question porter: how much wood have you ever eaten?
importer [9:31 PM] i feel like that's a loaded question
squints [9:31 PM] hehe loaded
squints [9:31 PM] i realized that five seconds after i hit send
squints [9:31 PM] but no in all seriousness, wood is not a flavor reference most people have. i don't know what wood tastes like
importer [9:32 PM] i used to chew on pencils, does that count?
squints [9:32 PM] so you have to imagine the sugarhill gang doing research. like, before they got to the studio, going around licking mahogany and cedar and shit and being like "YES. THIS IS THE DESCRIPTOR I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR"
squints [9:33 PM] ...dammit you're right i've done that too. also popsicle sticks. alright this whole rant has been moot
importer [9:33 PM] or they went with the first grade method of poetry and wondered what the rhymed with "good". this line wouldn't fly nowadya
importer [9:33 PM] *nowadays
importer [9:34 PM] good isn't a hard word to rhyme
squints [9:34 PM] unless they were just super forward thinking and got a "this tastes like penis" reference past the early censors of rap
importer [9:34 PM] hahahahha
importer [9:34 PM] in that case it'd actually be brilliant
squints [9:34 PM] "have you ver went over to a friend's how to eat, and the food ain't worth a lick? the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed, and the chicken tastes like dick"
squints [9:35 PM] i'd listen to that
importer [9:35 PM] this is like when i learned that "this is our land" is a socialist anthem
importer [9:35 PM] maybe Sugarhill was next level like that
squints [9:35 PM] "have you ever went over to a friend's house to eat, and the food just doesn't rock? the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed, and the entree's technically cock"
importer [9:36 PM] "have you ever went over to a friend's house to eat, and the food just doesn't sit in the gut? the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed, and this chicken tastes like Microphone Nut"
squints [9:38 PM] i also like to imagine at some point there's been a really respected chef, perhaps in a michelin-starred restaurant, and that song came on the kitchen and then they're like "well fuck, i can't serve this pea puree!"
importer [9:38 PM] Does Action Bronson consider Sugarhill an influence?
squints [9:39 PM] the sad reality is that everyone does
squints [9:39 PM] if we're being pedantic
importer [9:39 PM] Except for Casanova Fly
importer [9:39 PM] #transition
importer [9:39 PM] The second worst line is pure plagiarism:
squints [9:39 PM] hot damn that's a throwback reference
squints [9:39 PM] go on, i'm intrigued
importer [9:39 PM] "Check it out, I'm the C-A-S-A, the N-O-V-A, And the rest is F-L-Y,
You see I go by the code of the doctor of the mix,
And these reasons I'll tell you why."
squints [9:40 PM] i'm really glad rap eventually got around to polysyllabic rhymes, because that's technically rhyming "Y" with "why"
importer [9:41 PM] Can't remember which one of the Gang rapped it, but this like was ripped off from Casanova Fly
squints [9:42 PM] yeah, there's a whole thing behind that
importer [9:42 PM] Big Bank Hank stole it and made it his
importer [9:42 PM] Casanova Fly, you ask?
importer [9:42 PM] You may know him as Grandmaster Caz, one of the most important rappers in history
squints [9:43 PM] if nothing else, i hope this is educational for some people out there
importer [9:44 PM] if you guys are interested in rap history but are also very immature, I recommend buying the Hip Hop Family Tree comic books
importer [9:44 PM] http://www.amazon.com/Hip-Hop-Family-Tree-Book/dp/1606996908
Amazon.com: Hip Hop Family Tree Book 1: 1970s-1981 (Hip Hop Family Tree) (9781606996904): Ed Piskor: Books
squints [9:45 PM] #SPONSOREDMESSAGES
squints [9:45 PM] so here's a throwback, but not to nearly the same degree. you know Westside Connection?
squints [9:45 PM] the group ice cube formed in the wake of NWA?
importer [9:45 PM] i'm gonna go with the hipster answer: i've heard of them but never got really into them
squints [9:45 PM] haha fair enough
squints [9:46 PM] one of their best known songs is "Gangster Nation" and from that, one of the worst lines i've ever heard, courtesy of WC
squints [9:46 PM] (and btw it's whack to go by the initials of the group you're a member of)
squints [9:46 PM] "we don't fuck with niggas in khaki g-strings" (edited)
importer [9:47 PM] wait, huh?
squints [9:47 PM] i feel like that line should be taught in intro rhetoric classes as a prime example of the strawman fallacy
squints [9:47 PM] NOBODY fucks with dudes in khaki g-strings, because those dudes don't exist
importer [9:48 PM] the only thing i know about WC is that he's a playable fighter in the legendary Def Jam Vendetta
squints [9:48 PM] i loved that game
squints [9:48 PM] but anyway, yeah, this line is horrible
importer [9:48 PM] but if he doesn't fuck with dudes in khaki g-strings, that's okay because i've never met one
squints [9:49 PM] it's literally inventing a style of underwear that doesn't exist purely for the purposes of being homophobic
importer [9:49 PM] imagine how uncomfortable a khaki g-string woud be
dkataja [9:49 PM] Currently wearing one of those two things
squints [9:50 PM] i don't care how much a person fits into some backwards, homophobic ideation of gay men, nobody is going to put up with that chaffing
squints [9:50 PM] darren shut up this is a #SOLOBROLO
importer [9:50 PM] #SOLOBROLO Darren, it's the rules!
dkataja [9:50 PM] exits stage left
squints [9:50 PM] #TRIADGUYAD
squints [9:51 PM] darren come back
importer [9:51 PM] please?
dkataja [9:51 PM] enters stage right
importer [9:51 PM] how'd you get to stage right?
dkataja [9:51 PM] Very carefully
squints [9:51 PM] holy shit that's the quickest stage lap i've ever seen
importer [9:51 PM] was there a back curtain?
importer [9:52 PM] the semantics of that situation are daunting
squints [9:52 PM] as an aside, doing laps in a khaki g-string is now the punishment for putting lame music in our #musictoshare slack channel
dkataja [9:52 PM] To be clear, the "one of those things" i'm wearing is a G-string
importer [9:53 PM] did you do the unprofessional run across the stage during a scene?
importer [9:53 PM] as a former actor myself, i've done both
importer [9:53 PM] BACK TO THE DISCUSSION
importer [9:53 PM] We need to drop a stupid JCole line
dkataja [9:53 PM] "Cole World"
importer [9:54 PM]
importer [9:54 PM]
"I let you feel like you the shit, but boy you can't out-fart me"
importer [9:55 PM] first time i heard this, I turned off my iPod and had to go outside because I was so frustrated with it
dkataja [9:56 PM] Where were you before you went outside?
squints [9:56 PM] j cole exclusively plays as wario in super smash brothers brawl
importer [9:56 PM] i was at home i my living room
importer [9:56 PM] *false
squints [9:56 PM] that's just...so bad
importer [9:56 PM] I was in my dorm
squints [9:57 PM] i feel like going outside is a natural reaction to a fart
importer [9:57 PM] look man, I haven't given up on Cole but he doesn't make it easy
squints [9:57 PM] haha
squints [9:57 PM] so recent examples:
squints [9:58 PM] it's probably no secret i love Migos, but "Fight Night" is egregiously bad
squints [9:58 PM] it's so bad it's egreʒ
importer [9:58 PM] Migos is something I can't get into. I've tried and failed many a time
importer [9:58 PM] LOL
squints [9:59 PM] we can have a convo about how they're the most influential rappers of the past few years some other time, but in the meantime
squints [9:59 PM] "beat the pussy up like fight night"
importer [9:59 PM] great video game, horrible line
squints [9:59 PM] it's not like "beat the pussy up" is really EVER a cool thing to say, but this is next-level terrible
dkataja [9:59 PM] The beat to that song is very close to being good enough to mask that line
squints [10:00 PM] like, that is singlehandedly the worst imaginable foreplay
importer [10:00 PM] is this a domestic violence line?
squints [10:00 PM] not intentionally i hope
dkataja [10:01 PM] He's definitely talking about gettin' some
squints [10:01 PM] i just can't see how any girl at a Migos concert could hear that and think "yeah i'm definitely going backstage"
squints [10:01 PM] it's...gross
importer [10:03 PM] gimme a second, finding THE perfect vine for this line
squints [10:03 PM] haha sure
importer [10:04 PM]
squints [10:05 PM]
god i love marshawn lynch, but i don't want to make light of this
importer [10:05 PM] but it's so literal!
squints [10:05 PM] haha fair enough
squints [10:06 PM] so anyway, it's probably time to wrap up (rap up?) so you have any last examples?
importer [10:06 PM] can I throw Jay-Z's whole "Monster" verse on here?
squints [10:06 PM] holy shit i also wanted to touch on that
dkataja [10:06 PM] Dear god
dkataja [10:06 PM] That verse nearly torpedoes that song
importer [10:07 PM] "Sasquatch, Godzilla, King Kong Lochness, Goblin, Ghoul, a zombie with no conscience
question what do all these things have in common
everybody knows I’m a motherfucking monster"
dkataja [10:07 PM] Ugh
importer [10:07 PM]
squints [10:08 PM]
could you imagine a zombie with a conscience?
dkataja [10:08 PM] Nicki kicks his ass all over and across and around the schoolyard in that song
squints [10:08 PM] it wouldn't be scary. so shouts to hov to foresee that potential plothole and nipping it right in the bud
importer [10:08 PM] You know what they all have in common? THEY'RE ALL MONSTERS!
squints [10:09 PM] the problem is (and this is a society wide criticism much larger than hip hop) a fundamental understanding of sasquatches
squints [10:09 PM] why does everyone assume they're bad guys?
importer [10:09 PM] hahahha
dkataja [10:10 PM] I blame those beef jerky commercials
importer [10:10 PM] they're just misunderstood!
squints [10:10 PM] they're victims in those commercials
squints [10:10 PM] so they're a missing link between apes and people right?
squints [10:11 PM] neither of those are particular evil. sure, both are prone to fits of violence, but they're not just straight up villains
squints [10:11 PM] why would the thing that came in between them suddenly go to the dark side? IT DOESN'T ADD UP
squints [10:11 PM] and why do people think they're like 9 feet tall? same logic. doesn't make sense
importer [10:11 PM]
squints [10:11 PM]
sasquatches are real, and they're like four and a half feet tall and also pretty chill
squints [10:12 PM] that's singlehandedly my biggest criticism of jay's verse
squints [10:12 PM] can we also draw a parallel between that and Game on "martians vs goblins"?
importer [10:13 PM] Let's
squints [10:13 PM] the whole thing is fairly lame, just him trying to fit into that whole edgy shocking odd future type of style, and there's one line that's egregiously bad
squints [10:13 PM] "kidnap a vampire, drain all his fucking veins"
squints [10:13 PM] THAT IS NOT SOMETHING COOL PEOPLE SAY
importer [10:14 PM] two questions here
importer [10:14 PM] 1.)Why would anyone have the desire to kidnap a vampire?
squints [10:14 PM] yeah that just seems like way more trouble than it's worth
importer [10:15 PM] 2.)Why would you drain its veins when you could just, you know, put him out in the sun and end his life?
importer [10:15 PM] It's like they've never seen Blade before, damn
squints [10:15 PM] the best reading of that is that Game got way too high and watched all the Blade movies and thought he was a vampire hunter
squints [10:15 PM] hahaha
squints [10:15 PM] but yeah, that seems like the least efficient way of dealing with a vampire infestation
importer [10:16 PM] just do better, Game
squints [10:16 PM] especially because, do we even know how vampirism is transmitted?
importer [10:16 PM] Pick "The" back up while you're at it
squints [10:16 PM] because it really seems like it's transmitted by of all things, blood. so that seems super counterproductive
squints [10:17 PM] suddenly you have a massive mess on your carpet, but you can't clean it because if you touch it, boom you're a vampire
importer [10:17 PM] and then someone else would try to kidnap you and drain your veins
importer [10:17 PM] wait, no they wouldn't because THAT'S A DUMB IDEA
squints [10:17 PM] yeah. the only way this is good is if vampirism is actually transmitted by saliva, and Game knows something about vampires we don't
squints [10:18 PM] but nothing, and i want to emphasize nothing, about Game's entire career suggests to me he knows anything more about vampires than the average person
squints [10:18 PM] and actually he probably knows way, way less
importer [10:19 PM] what a weird career he had
squints [10:19 PM] really though
importer [10:19 PM] just like 50's but way shorter and much less successful
squints [10:19 PM] pretty much
squints [10:19 PM] so it really is time to wrap up, so we should mention the line that started this whole discussion amongst the staff
importer [10:20 PM] we have to
squints [10:20 PM] you do the honors
importer [10:20 PM] GOOD Fridays we're so good, I spent an entire article discussing them
importer [10:21 PM] But for every unbelieveable verse there's a line like this from Cyhi the Prynce in "So Appalled":
importer [10:21 PM] "Plus a Trojan in my pocket, Matt Leinart"
squints [10:21 PM] i cringe every time
importer [10:22 PM] Hashtag rap was hilarious in hindsight
squints [10:22 PM] shoutout to Gudda Gudda's grocery bag
importer [10:22 PM] dude
importer [10:22 PM] That line has the funniest life story for me
importer [10:23 PM] In high school we were listening to Bed Rock on the way to a lax game, and one of our assistant coaches loved that line so much that he yelled it when it came on
importer [10:23 PM] We fuckin lost it
importer [10:24 PM] Coach Roman was dubbed Grocery Bag
importer [10:24 PM] But anyway, hashtag rap is great when done correctly (see: Wayne, Lil)
importer [10:25 PM] Awful when used poorly like Cyhi the Prynce
squints [10:25 PM] the thing is, that's not a great line in any case. like wow, you have a condom in your pocket. most guys i know have done that before
squints [10:26 PM] you're not impressive. if you had a super large pockets and a box of condoms, sure. fine. rap about it. i'll allow it
squints [10:26 PM] but that's so trivial and non-noteworthy
importer [10:26 PM] One singular Trojan
importer [10:27 PM] I will say shouts to Cyhi for using protection
squints [10:27 PM] and the shit icing on top of the shit cake is the fact that when that song came out, matt leinart was in his like fourth season in the NFL
squints [10:27 PM] he was so far removed from USC. like, cyhi must have wrote that line six years earlier and had been sitting on it, just waiting for someone to toss him a bone and let him get on a track
importer [10:27 PM] far from relevance
squints [10:28 PM] which is singlehandedly the saddest thing i can image. just let it go, dude
importer [10:28 PM] those mixtapes and that album started the career of Big Sean and Pusha T as a solo artist
importer [10:29 PM] there's a reason why you don't hear about Cyhi
squints [10:29 PM] fun fact: matt leinart's career passer rating in the NFL is 70.2
squints [10:29 PM] and i realize like any real football fan that passer rating is a bullshit statistic, but cyhi is comparing himself to the benchmark of mediocrity
importer [10:30 PM] can we also talk about how he missed a huge double entendre with Reggie Bush?
squints [10:30 PM] yeah i get he won the heisman and everything, which strengthens my point that it would be a decent line four years earlier
squints [10:30 PM] and haha yes
importer [10:31 PM] On that note, I think it's time to wrap things up
squints [10:31 PM] NICE
importer [10:31 PM] Cyhiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
squints [10:31 PM] i hope that cyhi loses sleep at night, that he can't get over how awful that line is. i hope he beats himselfup
squints [10:31 PM] like fight night
importer [10:32 PM] Quick last entry: any line Swizz Beatz has ever rapped
importer [10:32 PM] good night.
If you're looking for more J Cole, you should read about the time Ethan went on Tinder.